There are a lot of things I do and I don't enjoy about life.  The very essence of living should be to enjoy it as much as possible, to not worry about things that you should obviously be worrying about, and to surround yourself with the people you love, admire, and trust.  I've gone by this little proverb for the most of my life, but somehow, walking away from the people I felt the most comfortable and happy with, it doesn't seem like my life is leading me in that direction.  It's strange how much you can miss a simple empty sky filled with clouds, and then so suddenly want to replace it with the dire odor of the city's disgusting limits.  Funny how you can go from a man who actually wants to see you when he walks in the door from a hard day at work to someone who could care less as long as he got his kicks out of life.  Strange how it is to go from a woman who simply wants to enjoy her supposed life retirement in her 40s to a broken mother who is struggling to support her three person and demanding family on a mediocre salary.  I find it odd how you can miss so many things about both places that sometimes, you just wish that they would smash into one another, and it all would become one, big thing that could make you happy for the rest of eternity.

I've had shit that has happened to me that cannot and will not be uttered on an electrical blog page that no one probably needs to read.  My wandering thoughts have only lead me to purpose, to trying to find some sort of light in the darkness that has been recently surrounding and blotting out all sense of right and happiness.  This world is cruel.  The people in it won't give you a sideways glance if you dropped everything you were holding on the sidewalk beside them, and will even step all over the papers you worked on so hard at work while they're in front of them.  A person will beep at you impatiently if you walk too slow across the street, like they actually have somewhere important to go, when in reality, it really isn't all that important.  Transcendence in an individual is rare, as well as intelligence, but awareness is so outspokenly bright that it dances circles around you - so why don't people use it more often?  You don't have to be Albert Einstein to be nice to someone.  You don't have to be fucking Mother Theresa to bend down and help that poor guy who dropped all his things.  This world is quickly losing all compassion to materialism and utter greed.

A feeling of hopelessness has gripped me, of having to move on from this one, perfectly disastrous moment in my young life.  I don't want to grow up, I want to grow up, I want to experience but I don't want to live.  I want someone to hold me but then again I don't want to feel pressured and I'm afraid of commitment.  I want to live long enough to see my children grow up but I don't want to give them away.  Thinking over things lately, pondering, wondering...thinking is the only thing I can do, and I can only wonder what can happen in the future...both to me and my family.  None of us are immortal.  None of us will live forever, so why not go out in life swinging and with a bang?  Why shouldn't I be drinking and having sex and smoking pot and just being an all out imbecile, knowing that as soon as my time closes in on me, I won't ever be able to do it again?  When did growing up and having to get a job and learning to drive a car become so suddenly scary, and when have my thoughts led me around and around in incoherent rambling?  I feel like a coward and I don't know why.  I want to rise against everything, to knock everything down at it's roots and core, just to bring some kind of inner peace to both me and to the people who suffer from the avarice of this revolting populace.  I want to forget everything that's happened to me and be able to love someone beyond what my eyes and mind can comprehend - to depend upon them to the point where if they left me, I couldn't survive without them.  I want to feel utterly and hopelessly defenseless, because I have never felt that way before.  I want to feel like someone cares about me and what I could do to my body if I ever picked up a razor again.

A pile of emo drivel awaits those who read this, but what better than writing to spill out all of your innermost wants and desires, the perversity of your mind and being?  I don't believe in God yet I doubt my own convictions, trying to find a savior that isn't there and cling to the last shred of hope that I have holed up in my heart.  Why is it that every religion I have heard of has some kind of idol - made after humankind, which is ironically the most flawed and horrendous thing that there would ever be?  Why is it that nothing can be simply a philosophy of life, a set of rules someone unnamed and unknown came up with, that the world will gradually adhere to and accept?  It is because of human pride.  Pride is such a funny thing to get in the way, but we're so proud of ourselves that every faux deity we've managed to think up in our head has human form or will have human form.  If only I could find the right person to enlighten me - to attune me to some kind of spirituality within myself and not within the belief in something that is only derived from pride - then perhaps some kind of ceaseless thought process will end.  I don't even know.  The world today is so incredibly fucked up, and there will always be religious bigots and ignorant people who want to undermine the type of person simply trying to live a peaceful life.  People are quick to judge and bitch and moan and complain about the actions of others, but never try a moment to take a look at themselves.

Fuck it.  I just hate everything right now.  I hate the fact that our planet is dissolving, that the ecosystem and the animals that have worked so hard doing their mindless living are slowly disappearing due to our selfishness and greed.  I hate the fact that it's been raining every day, even know I'd usually run out into the rain and dance and sing.   I hate the fact that the sky over Boston is brown after it rains with pollution.  I hate that one guy who gave me a dirty look for crossing the street when there was a red light,  and I hate the fact that Dunkin' FUCKING Donuts never gets my coffee right.  I hate my mood swings and my idealism and my insatiable appetite for sweets.  I hate the fact that my father just up and left me when I was three like a pussy instead of sticking around to see how much more I would succeed than him.  I hate not being able to live in a house - not being able to paint my walls the color I want them to, having to live in a box-sized bedroom...not being able to have thousands of cats like I want to.  I hate not having a bike or any means of transportation when I want to get the FUCK out of this hellhole and go somewhere fun, and I hate never having enough lunch money to pay for myself.  I hate rap music and I hate 50 Cent, and I hate the lifestyle that has developed all because people who are supposedly 'famous' thought it up.

Not much has changed.  I'm done for now.

Ask me to draw things.
MAKE me draw them.
Please.

First of all, the me and Paul thing has ended.  Thanks to my own uncomfortableness around the opposite sex and a realization that we neither connect in the right way or have that much compatibility, it ended.  I guess I felt that I had the affection for him more as a friend, and couldn't seem to put it in some kind of vocal way.  The things he said to me the night we did end it were things he'd never made any attempt to say to me before, so I'm both confused and a little hurt that he would attempt to (and successfully pull off) guilt trip me into not being able to sleep or be happy for the next couple of days.  I feel so hopeless at the moment and like everything I do or everything wrong going on in everyone else's life is just all my fault.  Making him feel like he was somehow everything wrong in my life was my fault. 

Maybe it's just me.  I tried to convince myself that I would get used to being hugged and kissed by someone who had more feeling than me than that of a friend, but I know that it's not really going to be the way.  I've lost all urge to be in relationships altogether, and I've been avoiding any kind of physical touch with anyone, because I don't plan on letting myself be so weak next time.  Relationships - physical touch - scares the living hell out of me, for more than one reason, but I know that wasn't the reason why it ended on such a note.  I'm not sure if he hates me right now, so I'm just waiting for some kind of contact - a text, anything, of his decision.  If I could stop feeling like the biggest douchebag in the world and somehow still be friends with him, like we were before, I think I would be okay.

I've lost sight of the dream that I had ever since I was small.  I can't see myself as an artist anymore.  Everything I draw lately comes out like shit and I end up crumpling it and nearly crying in frustration.  I've recently drawn something for a new friend of mine, but even know I think I did amazing with the shading of said drawing, my eyes always find the bad things about it and make it the most glaring error.  My drive toward what I would want to be - some kind of teacher, a game artist, something...has completely disappeared.  I can't look at the stack of clean paper waiting for things to be drawn on.  On top of that, it seems I've lost any sort of writing capability I ever had.

Life's wonderful.

This is a brand new livejournal account made for the purpose of keeping track of certain friends who have it.
So yeah.  Maybe I'll update this once in a while with one terrible event concurrent to another equally (if not the same) terrible event.
Dunno.  Prolly just post some kind of fail art up in here.